Risa on: The anti-carb phenomenon.

Buzz kill and a half. Bread isn't fried. It doesn't have chocolate in it (unfortunately). So how is it possibly THAT bad for me? If carb eating is wrong, I don't want to be right...so pass your uneaten pizza crusts over here, Skinny McGee.

Risa on: High-heeled shoes.

Clearly the inspiration to whoever invented the foot massage.

Risa on: Forgetting your wallet but not realizing until you're already at the checkout counter unloading your eggs and brownie mix.

I am a pain in my own ass.

Risa on: The first day of cool weather.

Makes for rockin', frizz-free hair. Ideal for skipping. Easy on the Milky Way you left in your glove compartment.

Risa on: Waiters who shouldn't be waiters.

I fully intended on leaving a very handsome tip to compensate for my somewhat meager order. Then you got all hostile on me for not splurging on kobe beef sliders and raspberry mojitos. So maybe my pal and I housed the complimentary bread basket and then split a sandwich - does that mean we don't deserve extra napkins and water refills? Sandwich eaters are people, too. So instead of 25 percent...you get 15 and a snooty blog post. 

Risa on: Bottled water.

Water is free, my friends. I don't spend my hard-earned skrilla on it. But to those of you who do: I'm running a half-price sale on air you won't want to miss. 

Risa on: Second-tier and has-been celebrities.

In a way, they're better off than the A-listers. They're able to live relatively normal lives without the never-ending scrutiny of the paparazzi that has driven some stars to drugs and forced others to wear underwear regularly. And they get to be on Dancing with the Stars.

Risa on: Football.

In football, 30 seconds lasts 30 minutes. Why can't other life experiences work that way? Like massages. Or lunch breaks. Or college. Or anything but football.

Risa On: Laying in bed watching movies by myself.

It's times like these I wonder why words like "lazy" and "hermit" have negative connotations.

Risa on: The gym.

Would be more bearable if cookies were involved.

Risa on: The five-day work week.

Whose brilliant idea was this? Who woke up one day and said, "I'm going to spend more than 70% of my time working...and I'm taking the rest of the human race with me"? I'd like a moment alone with that guy - and not the same way I'd like a moment alone with George Clooney. I mean, come on. I know seven is an odd number, kind of hard to work with, but 5:2? What's wrong with 4:3? Or even 3:4, which would be my personal preference...second only to maternity leave.

Vintage Ons: Greatest hits.

Sept. 28, 2006-April 2, 2008

Risa on: Futons

Why can some couches be beds, yet no beds can be couches?

Risa on: Sugar-free, fat-free Jello Pudding

Even sans sugar, nothing this chocolatey and delicious could have so few calories and not not be made of cancer.

Courtney on: Love bugs (the insect)

For the Lord's sake.  These "fornicating-in-flight" little shits need to be taken care of.  They are in complete disregard of personal space and litter the front of my car with their filth, standing as a constant reminder of our perverse society.  Where is the conservative Christian Right when you need them? (Making sure Judy Blume books don't make it to the shelf, I'm guessing.)

Courtney on: Love bugs (the car)

Your car looks like it is meant for an impossible number of circus clowns, or the leader of the Catholic Church.  The first reaction people have when they see your chosen vehicle is to scream "punch buggy!" while slugging their neighbor. How can that be OK with you?

Risa on: Yom Kippur

I'm hungry.

Risa on: Slap bracelets

Most highly over-rated weapon ever. Hey teach, why don't you send me to the principal's office for owning a ruler? Have you realized I could easily affix my sparkly shoelaces into nooses? Does the fact that my Tomagochi is a blunt object not alarm you, too?

Courtney on: "The Pick-Up Artist" marathon, hour 1

What. In. The. Hell. Are you kidding me with this guy? "Mystery?" The only mystery is how this joker became an authority figure for the rest of these hapless men. Sweet Red Baron goggles, a-hole.

Courtney on: "The Pick-Up Artist" marathon, hour 2

If Mystery approached me at a bar, I would be signaling distress left and right. By the way, pony tails should be reserved for girls and/or Willie Nelson.

Courtney on: "The Pick-Up Artist" marathon, hour 3

You know what? Mystery isn't that bad. He has a cute smile and seems to care about helping these weirdos score. I respect.

Courtney on: "The Pick-Up Artist" marathon, hour 4

If there truly is a God, Mystery and I will one day become man and wife.

Courtney on: Microsoft Word spell checker

First, you riddle my papers with your red squiggles. Then, you pretend I spelled everything so tragically incorrect that you can't even venture a guess. "No spelling suggestion"!?!  You are a freaking computer and you can't think of one word that maybe has the same general feeling of the one I just typed? Pretenduius Ignoreraymus!

Risa on: Lunchables

Why is it that people stopped eating them upon leaving elementary school?  C'mon...it's a main course, drink and candy - all in one box!  I understand it was embarrassing to be seen in the middle school cafeteria spreading watery tomato sauce and sprinkling plastic-y cheese on enlarged crackers in front of the cool rich kids who got to buy real pizza for lunch...but now those people are safely locked away in rehab or off raising their illegitimate children somewhere.  I'm bringing Lunchables back, yeah.  And should the Immature Food Police interrupt me in the office break room as I'm busily building my tacos and looking forward to eating my Nerds, I shall squirt them with my handy-dandy Capris Sun juice pouch.

Courtney on: Fiber

Moderation is key.

Courtney on: Eating Swedish Fish for dinner

Although an easy way to get your daily serving of the "red and gummy" food group, I do not recommend this to my readers. Contrary to its product name, I think they may only have half (to two-thirds) the health benefits of real fish, and none of the health benefits of a real Swede. Further, the line between main course and dessert is unsettlingly blurred. Last, and certainly most important, it's pretty hard to find a complementary wine. 

Try Sour Patch Kids instead.